The flame burned slowly down the length of the match stick.  I watched it thoughtfully as it expended its energy, until the heat began to burn my fingers.  With an unconscious wave of my hand I extinguished the spark. I continued to watch the phosphorous afterglow, until all that was left was blackened charcoal. My cigarette hissed as I inhaled, musing on the inconsequentialities of such a short lived fire.  I felt the tingling of the nicotine as it worked its way into my system and let my mind wander.  
My musings were cut short as a tender hand rested on my shoulder.  I smiled softly as I reached for my coffee, and turned to face the girl who stood beside me.  
“I’m sorry I’m late” she said with an apologetic smile.  “I had a magazine casting, it ran a little late.”
She stooped to kiss my cheek gently, and took her seat opposite me.  I waved away her concern, as it was of no consequence.  “That’s ok, Lauren.  I haven’t been here long,” I replied.
I had met her through work.  I had been a hairdresser at the time; she had been a client of mine.  In contrast to the haughty, self important models I had previously encountered, Lauren was relaxed and down to earth.  Conversation had been effortless, and before long we had established a strong friendship.  At that point in time we had both been in the dying throes of other relationships.  We laughed and confided in each other, slowly feeding the spark existed was between us.  I never had to pretend with Lauren, never had to be anything other than who I was.
It was a welcome change from the cataclysm that was my relationship with Anna.  The toll from constantly trying to meet her expectations had made me weary, and was the cause of much emotional turmoil.  Anna had ended it again in the previous week and I had since been sleeping in the garage of the townhouse we shared.  It was over, I had decided, for the last time. I was looking for a new home now, and for once I was prepared to let go.  My heart rejoiced at the chance to finally be free of my burdensome situation.
Lauren had just recently ended things with her partner, an arrogant and possessive specimen of machoism.  I had been sympathetic for months, listening to the heartache she had weathered. She was younger than I, and had been through a string of emotionally abusive relationships, all of which had left her feeling diminished and desperately unhappy.  I think she relished the opportunity to spend time with someone around whom she could relax and be honest, without being belittled or made to feel insignificant.
A waitress was already at the table side, menus in hand.  Lauren thanked her and turned back to me, smirking.  “I’ve been looking forward to this all day,” she told me impishly.  “For weeks, actually.”
I gazed into her smiling eyes as I grinned over my coffee.  “Have you, now?”
“I have.”
“Perhaps we should have done this sooner then, darling.” I gave her a thoughtful smile.
“Perhaps, but it may have been inappropriate before things had ended between Anna and yourself.”
“Things between her and I had ended many months ago, I think.”  I mulled this over as I sipped the warmth of my beverage.  “The very first time she left me…”
I trailed off into silence, encumbered by the depths of my regret.  Lauren studied my features for several moments, allowing me my private thoughts. She flipped her auburn locks over her shoulder, and leaned across the table.  With an impossibly soft touch, she caressed my cheek, bringing me back from my lonely trails of cognisance.   “Come now, smile for me darling,” she whispered.  “Let’s discuss happier things.”
We spoke no more on the topic.

It was a particularly warm Saturday night, almost unseasonably so.  I was walking past the bar where Lauren worked most weekends, to supplement her income whilst she studied.  She happened to be working on the door, and she waved me over as she caught my eye.  
“What are you up to?” she inquired.  She glanced at another patron’s ID, and waved him through.
“Meeting up with a few friends later.  I needed to get out of the house,” I replied.
“Do you want to come in?”
“Not really,” I laughed.  “This place isn’t exactly my scene.”
“Well at least stay and talk to me a while,” she pouted.  I couldn’t help but be amused.
“I suppose I can do that,” I conceded with a wry smile. “For a while.”
We chatted and flirted as she casually admitted patrons.  It was an unending wave of conformity; the mini skirts and platforms paraded by every other girl, and the seemingly uniform polo shirts worn by almost all the men that stood in line.  As if sensing my thoughts, Lauren began to make fun of them under her breath as she waved them through the door.  I found myself suppressing my mirth.
After some time, I checked my watch.  “I’ve got to go now, kitten.  I’m meeting up with friends soon, and I have a bit of a walk ahead of me.”
“No… don’t leave me!” she demanded, and stomped her foot.  I laughed aloud and took her hand.
“Sorry, but I have appointments to keep,” I teased.  
Wrapping me in an embrace, she whispered into my ear.  “I finish at three…”
“Do you now?  In that case, you should call me when you’re done.”
“I think I just might.”  Her lips brushed against mine with the fleeting hint of a kiss, before she darted out of my reach.  “Hurry on, then.  I wouldn’t want to make you late for your friends.”
Her smile mirrored my own as I walked off, shaking my head.

The streetlights glanced past the taxi window like lazy fireflies.  Lauren’s hands felt warm around my own as she buried her head into my shoulder.  I held her close, taking comfort in her familiarity.  Her hair smelled wonderful, like some forgotten fruit of Eden.  Her fingers traced invisible lines along my palms and knuckles, and I gingerly kissed her glorious mane.
I had not particularly wanted to go back to face the unpredictable maelstrom that was my home life at the moment.  Lauren had decided I needed a reprieve from it all, and asked me to come back to her place for further drinks and conversation. Not wanting to pass up on such an invitation, I had bid farewell to my friends, all of whom gave me knowing smiles and wry comments.
The taxi slowed on approach as she gestured at her apartment building.  She searched through her tiny handbag for keys as I settled the fare with the driver.  The warmth of the air outside was something of a contrast to the air conditioning that we had enjoyed for duration of the cab ride.  I stood at the kerb, admiring the building Lauren lived in.  It was quite appealing from my current vantage, a full twelve stories high and full of aesthetic curves.  Spacious balconies protruded from the arabesque walls, there didn’t seem to be a single edge or angle in sight.  
Taking my hand, Lauren led me to the entry of her building.  A magnetic tag on her key ring granted us access through the double glazed glass doors.  She escorted me through the tiled and mirrored atrium and spun to face me as we reached the lift.  With her heels on, she was almost eye level with me, her dazzling orbs peering into my own eyes.  Her hands caressed the small of my back as she leaned into my arms.  Her breath was warm and her lips trembled, her gaze inviting my response.  I leaned into her and claimed a kiss from impossibly soft lips.  With a contented sigh, her mouth accepted the caress of my own.  
A dull chime brought us back into our surroundings as the stainless steel before us opened, and we stepped into the lift.  More reflective surfaces greeted us, along with the faintest scent of some glass cleaning agent.  Lauren touched a button, and the doors closed, the lift bearing us leisurely to the seventh level.  
Her keys jingled faintly as she unlocked the door to her apartment.  The hallway was quiet, but that was to be expected in the early hours of the morning.  Most of the inhabitants of the building would either be asleep, or else indulging in whatever weekend vices took their fancy.  Lauren gestured me inside, holding the door open for me.  “This is my place,” she stated.  “Make yourself comfortable, I’ll fix us some drinks.”
I stood as I surveyed the studio apartment that was her home.  It was quite reasonable; a large open space with a bed next to the entrance, a television and beanbags across the other end of the room.  To my right, the kitchen was divided from the main area by bench space, and a few bar stools.  Next to the kitchen was a door which I surmised opened into what would be the bathroom and laundry.  Glancing to my left, I saw that the entire wall was in fact several large glass sliding doors that opened out onto an agreeably sized balcony, adorned with several plants, some furniture and a wooden chime.  
“It’s perfect for me,” Lauren commented.  “Comfortable, and right in the heart of the city.”  I found myself wondering how she could afford to live in such a place. “My parents help me out a bit with rent,” she laughed.  “Things would be tight living otherwise.”
“Do you ever get lonely living on your own?” I asked.
“Not really,” she mused.  “I’m not home enough to feel lonely.  I’m always so busy that when I do come home, I enjoy being by myself.”
I nodded my agreement.  I quite often enjoyed my own company, especially after working.  The salon was a very social environment, often excessively so.  
“Drinks are ready,” she noted.  “Let’s sit outside.”
I opened the glass doors for her, and followed her to the couch that nestled against the glass.  The view from her balcony was superb.  Taking up position on the couch beside her, I sipped at the drink she had made for me and gazed out across the city view.  It was strangely beautiful at night, with lights illuminating the horizon like a blanket of stars.  Lauren nestled herself into me, as she had in the taxi during the ride home.  With my left arm around her, I took out a cigarette and offered it.  She took it in her mouth and breathed deep as I ignited it for her.  Taking another for myself, I lit it and relaxed as I inhaled the smoke, letting it swirl inside my mouth, my lungs, before exhaling.  Tendrils of white intangibility wafted upwards before being caught in the gentle breeze, then they were swept away into the night.  I watched the slow dance of the smouldering metaphor for my life, rising from glowing embers.
I felt at home for the first time in a long time as I sat discussing life with the girl held in my embrace.  It was a strange mix of emotion; nervousness, relief, anticipation, belonging.  It was a moment of rare beauty, a meeting of souls, and a moment I wished I could hold forever.  One that, in my memory, I always will.
For a long time we spoke, of all things that had ever mattered, and ever would.  I was beginning to realise that Lauren was everything I had ever wanted, all I had dared to dream, and all that I imagined I could not possibly deserve.  Yet here it was, golden skinned, hazel eyed and smiling, in my arms.  The softest of touches caressed my cheek, and this time when our lips met, it was electric.  Any walls that were left between us were torn down in a flood of desperate passion.  I could taste her hunger, an inescapable and consuming desire that burned me and fuelled me all at once.  I could no more refuse her than stop a train with my hands.  Nor did I want to.  She stood, still kissing me, and led me to her bed, where we surrendered ourselves to fervent desire.

It was nearly midday when I began to stir.  A delicious smell permeated the air, and the sound of cooking caused me to roll over and face the direction of the kitchen.  “You’re awake,” beamed the auburn haired splendour over the bench top.  “I hope you’re hungry.”
“What are you cooking?” I asked, amazed.
“Nothing special, just bacon and eggs.  Do you like your eggs poached?”
I nodded and rolled onto my back, staring reflectively at the ceiling.  Suddenly the bed bounced and Lauren was straddling me, leaning across my torso and delivering a passionate kiss.  Her hair fell across my face and neck, like a curtain to hide us from the world.  She smelled musky, a mix of yesterday’s perfume and last night’s embrace.  As she kissed me again, I felt a stirring in my loins.  Lauren felt it too, and laughed cheekily.  “Don’t start,” she chided. “I’ll burn the food!”
“Let it burn then,” I chuckled, before playfully wrestling her onto her back.  She squealed and laughed as bed sheets went flying and I rolled atop her.  Wrapping her legs around me, we kissed and teased each other mischievously, forgetting about all else until a crisp aroma filled the air.
“Shit!  The bacon!”  Lauren leapt from under me and rushed to the stove.  “I told you it would burn!”
I laughed as I called after her. “And I told you I didn’t care!”
She poked her tongue derisively at me, in an irreverent gesture of being unamused.  I assumed that was what she was attempting, at any rate.  I got out of bed and walked to embrace her from behind as she cooked.  “It looks fine to me, kitten.”
“No thanks to you,” she laughed.

* * * * *

I awoke with a start, sweating profusely.  My heart was racing, my breathing coming in ragged pants.  I sat upright, coming to terms with my surroundings, and trying to regain my composure.  There was a dull chiming, and it was a few moments before I realised it was my alarm.  I glanced around the garage that had become my home since Anna had ended things between us, for what was to be the last time.  It was dark, but it was always dark.  There were no windows for the light to intrude into the empty, brick construct.  I reached for my clock, as it continued to chime away at the world.  It was seven o’clock.  
I kicked off the sheets and sat momentarily on the fold out sofa, rubbing the sleep from my eyes and trying to remember what manner of dream had caused me such distress.  Ghostlike images and reflections of memories evaded my conscious thought, escaping into the shadows and recesses of my mind.  
My waking emotion haunted me as I showered, although I was incapable of recalling anything more.  Eventually I resigned myself to the fact I was not going to remember my dreams, but that did nothing to ease the knot in my stomach.  Drying myself off, I paused to consider my reflection in the mirror.  My face was a little drawn this morning, my cheek bones showing a little more than usual.  Tired, sunken eyes stared back at me.  I put it down to the fact that I had not been sleeping well of late.  That was not at all unusual for me in times of duress, and this was indeed a trying time.  
I was reminded of that fact as I encountered Anna eating breakfast in the kitchen.  Things were remarkably uncomfortable between us, an unfortunate circumstance that was compounded in some strange way by the fact I had not come home until Sunday afternoon.  She had been pointed in her questioning, and I had been ambiguous in my answers.  I had spent the rest of the night coping with her sullen silence, taking great pains to say nothing that might be even remotely incendiary.
It wasn’t that Anna was a horrible person, or that she was at all dislikeable.  It was simply that our relationship should have ended many months ago, before too many words had been said that simply could not be taken back.  It should have ended when she first left me one drunken night.  I couldn’t for the life of me remember the events that caused her to decide it was over that night, but in retrospect, it was the first real indication that things between us had taken a bad turn.  
The simple fact was that we were incompatible.  Our expectations of each other had become unrealistic, if only for the fact that what we really wanted from each other was contrary to who we really were. It was a maelstrom that had spiralled desperately out of control, and left us in the situation we currently found ourselves living.
Anna avoided my gaze as I passed her.  I sighed despondently, opened the pantry and retrieved a box of cereal for myself.  As I filled a bowl with flakes, Anna breathed my name hesitantly.  “Have you found a place to move to yet?” she asked tersely.
“I’m still looking, give me some time.”  It sounded harsher than I had meant it to, and I cursed myself under my breath.
“I can’t deal with this situation for much longer.  Don’t take your time with this, like you do with everything else important.” She was facing away from me, but I could feel the tension behind her words.
“I’m sorry, Anna.  I didn’t mean it to sound that way.”
“You never mean anything.  You never think.”
“That’s not fair,” I protested.  “You never..” Damn it! Just shut up, I thought to myself. You’re only making it worse by arguing with her!
“I never what?”  She turned on me angrily.  “Go on! Tell me!”  
I paused for thought, trying to find any words to extinguish the fire I had just ignited.  I found none.
“God damn you, Daniel!  You have nothing, do you?”  She was shouting now.  “I give and give, and get nothing from you!”  I could feel the heat in my blood rising, as I clenched my jaw.  She continued, rising to a fevered pitch.  “You don’t care about anyone but yourself.  You never do anything I need you to, you never do anything!”
“Maybe if you fucking asked for once, instead of just expecting me to read your fucking mind!”  I was yelling now, unable to contain myself.  “Oh shit! That makes some sense, doesn’t it Anna?  Or perhaps you enjoy having a reason to be upset with me!”
Cold silence.  There was fire in Anna’s eyes, burning with a terrible intensity.  The moment dragged out for what seemed an age.  Finally Anna managed to push words through gritted teeth. “So you think all this is my fault then?”  It was a razor edged question, with no real answer.
I turned and emptied my bowl of cereal. I had lost my appetite, and all that remained was that unshakable knot in the pit of my stomach.  
“Answer me.” Her voice was cold and hard.  I turned on her and glared into her fierce eyes.  I took a moment to compose myself, and let cold intellect speak for me.
“No.  It’s not all your fault.  But that doesn’t mean you have the right to shirk any of the responsibility for it either.  We own this disaster. You and I. Together.”
“Don’t give me that shit.”
“You know what?”  I took one deliberate step towards her.  “If you’re not going to listen to me, if all you want this morning is an argument, I’m off.  I’m not interested in another fucking battle of wills.  It’s not worth ruining my day with.”  I walked past her and grabbed my work bag, heading for the door.
“Daniel, come back.”
I closed the front door behind me with great force and began walking toward the bus stop.

My mood was difficult to shake for most of the day.  Sienna took me outside after a few hours, offering me a cigarette.  I gratefully accepted.  We sat on a bench in silence for a while, before she posed the question.  “Are you ok?  I’ve never seen you this way.”
I took a deep breath and a lungful of smoke, as I pondered my words carefully.  She was gazing at me with much concern.  I sighed, my exhalation a billowing cloud of chemicals.  
“I really need to find a place to live, and soon.”
Sienna held me consolingly.  “Baby, if I had any room at my place you know I would have you there.”
I let her hold me, as I lost myself within a tempest of raging emotions.  “I know, thank you babe.”
A hundred unchecked emotions were welling in me now, and I was fighting the choking feeling in my throat.  Desperation, longing, misery, anger; all were amplified and fighting for prominence.  There were feelings that were so confusing that I couldn’t even distinguish what they were, let alone name them.  Yet they too battled for dominance in the growing storm.  Collectively though, I had found a name for the tumult.  Despair.
I must have tensed, or perhaps choked on the dryness of my throat.  Suddenly, Sienna’s eyes held my gaze, my head held in her hands.  I felt unmasked by her probing eyes, stripped of my defences.  My eyes were welling now, stinging, wanting to hide from her.  Still she held my gaze, until the first of my tears fell.

“Hello?”
“Hey baby, it’s me.”  Lauren’s voice was a soothing balm to my tumultuous soul.
“Hey.”
“Are you alright?” She had guessed that I was troubled, from just a handful of words.
I sighed.  “Perhaps.  I don’t know.”
There was silence for some moments, before she spoke again.  “Trouble at home?”
I don’t know how she guessed so well, a more insecure girl would have immediately asked whether it involved her or not.  Yet Lauren had been above that.  She had gone to the source.
“Yeah,” I conceded.  “I don’t know…”
Another pause, and more silence.  She spoke again.  “Do you want to come around tonight?  See if I can’t cheer you up.”
It was a welcome option.  At that moment, seeing Lauren seemed much more appealing than going back to my garage, to the inevitability that was Anna.  So I agreed.

Lauren was waiting out the front of the salon when I finished.  I waved goodbye to my other workmates, and gave Sienna a warm, thankful hug.  She glanced over to the couch where Lauren reclined, and whispered in my ear.  “Not going home tonight?”
“No, darling,” I whispered back.
Sienna’s eyes were smiling at me.  “It’s about time somebody made you happy.”  There was no disdain in her voice.  She was genuine.  I had never been more grateful.
“Thank you, babe.”  I held her again, more tightly.  “You are the best.  If you weren’t married…”
Sienna gave me a warm, knowing smile.  “Have fun, baby.  I’ll see you Thursday.”
Lauren stood up and embraced me with her wonderful arms.  She was my salvation today, my saving grace.  She was my delivery from hell, and the torments that lay on that path.  She took my hand, and we began our journey to her apartment, on foot.

We lay side by side, on her bed.  Her naked skin pressed against mine was the holiest thing I had experienced in many years.  Her breath came hoarse and ragged after orgasm, sweat glistening along the length of her golden skin.  I ran my hands along her side, to remind myself that this was in fact reality, not just another distant dream that would escape me come morning.  She shivered in response to my touch, backing herself into me even closer.  My arm came to rest, holding her naked form pressed against mine.  My weariness began to overcome me, and darkness became my alibi.

There was a dark path that lay ahead.  I looked around me, and there was naught but dead trees and an empty sky.  The path behind me was gone, swallowed in shadow and darkness.  Either side of me there was nothing but a fence of dead foliage and brambles.  Forward was the only way to go.
As I walked onward, the thorns either side of me seemed to gather thicker.  Whenever I glanced behind me, the shadows seemed to loom closer, stalking my very soul.  My pace quickened as I felt the walls closing in on me.  Soon I began to run, my heart pounding as my legs pumped against soil that felt increasingly like quicksand.  I could see a light, in the distance, at what I imagined was the end of the dark path.  The harder I ran towards the light, the more the darkness closed in on me and the further the quicksand climbed my form.  The light seemed almost within reach…
As the shadows covered my eyes, the quicksand began to trickle down my throat.

I sat up with a bolt.  Breathing deeply, I wiped the sweat from my brow, only to find a pair of concerned eyes peering meaningfully into my own.
“Are you alright babe?”
I breathed heavily, regaining my composure.  
“Are you alright?” she repeated.
“I’m alright,” I breathed.  “Just a dream..”
I lay down, trying to calm my heartbeat still.  A gentle arm lay over my body, and Lauren rested her head against my chest.  “Your heart,” she observed.  “It’s beating a hundred times a minute.”
I sighed deeply.  “What were you dreaming about?” Her concern was genuine.
“I… don’t know.”  A long silence.  “There was… a path. Full of shadow.  And quicksand.”
“Yes?” Her words were almost hesitant.
“It was closing in.  Then I woke up.”
Her hand traced lines across my chest, and she kissed my bare skin.  “It was just a dream, baby.  Just a dream.”
I held her close to me, as if these were to be my last moments on this earth.
My mobile phone beeped sharply, disturbing my silent reflections.  Lauren reached across my chest and collected my phone from the bedside table.  “It’s a message.”
I flipped open my phone.  My disappointment must have been visible.  I paused momentarily before responding audibly.  “It is.”
Lauren knew who I was talking about before I mentioned a word.  She didn’t need to be told.  I didn’t want to keep her guessing however.  I knew that whatever was happening, she would understand.  So I told her.
“It’s Anna,” I said.  “She wants to know where I am, and whether I am coming home tonight.”
Lauren was silent for a while.  “She doesn’t know about us, does she?”
“Does your ex know about us?” I asked, a little too defensively.
“No.”  We remained in silence for a while, before my mobile began to ring.  I swore under my breath.  Lauren stroked my back consolingly as I sat up.  I kissed her softly, and then answered the phone.

Sunlight was streaming through the restless vertical blinds.  They moved softly in the breeze, agitated, giving the impression that the whole wall might have better things to do.  I peered for a while past the empty spot next to me in Lauren’s bed, through the blinds, through the glass.  My thoughts were chaotic, yet they found some manner of peace in the city skyline.  I considered the temporary nature of all this concrete.  Such large, grand constructions they were, yet within a few short decades, the whole skyline would have changed beyond recognition.  Such was the way of the city, and on a grander scale, the world.  It brought a strange calm to my mind, the knowledge that everything I did would eventually be of no consequence.
The bathroom door creaked open, and Lauren emerged, draped in a white bath towel.  Seeing I was awake, she crossed the distance between us and sat herself next to me.  
“Good morning, beautiful,” she greeted, running delicate fingers through my unruly hair.  “Sleep well?”
I smiled softly and nodded.  She bent forward to kiss me lingeringly.  The scent of her freshly washed hair permeated my being, her damp locks leaving cool beads of moisture across my skin.
“You’re not working today?” she inquired.
“No kitten, not today.  Tuesday is my day off.”  I considered her glowing skin for a few moments, a hand subconsciously moving to touch its silken splendour.
“I have uni at nine,” she said.  “Do you need me to drop you off anywhere?”
I considered this for a bit, and shook my head.  “No, I should head into the city.  I have some more house hunting today.”  I paused for a moment’s reflection.  “I have a good feeling about today.”
“Excellent, babe.  That’s what I like to hear.”
She stood up and dropped her towel, walking bare to her clothes drawers.  I watched her walk around, bare and unashamed.  I found it hard to believe that I would be so privileged as to witness such a thing.  A goddess in all her glory.  She caught my eye as she was putting on her underwear, and laughed at me. “What?” she demanded.
I smiled and shook my head.  “Nothing sweetheart.  Just thinking how beautiful you are.”
She beamed at me and strode over to the bed once again.  Cupping my face with her hands, she kissed me deeply.  “I’m glad I found you, Daniel.”
As she continued to dress, I thought it prudent to avail myself of the shower.  
The warmth cascaded through my hair, down my face and body, washing away all my sins.  The soap lathered and bubbled like some healing balm, discarding my regrets.  The small whirlpool at my feet swirled and gurgled, taking my mistakes and delivering them to some great abyss.  This time, I thought, things will go right.  This time, I will be happy.  It can be no other way.  
I was filled with joy and optimistic possibilities.  For the first time in a long time, I had hope.  I marvelled at my good fortune in having found such a path amidst so many darkened dead ends.  Today was a new day, the last day in such dark chapters, and the birth of a new story.
I sighed with contentment, turning the taps off.  The last few droplets fell from suspended chrome, only to be reunited on the cold ceramic tiles below, disappearing in a final revolution down through the glimmering steel drain cover.
The shower door opened and I was startled to see Lauren standing there, offering a towel.  I had been too lost in my own convoluted thoughts, and had not noticed her entering the bathroom.  I grinned sheepishly and took the towel, wiping the moisture from my skin.  She returned to the mirror and continued to apply her makeup.  I watched, bemused momentarily at the expertise with which she applied her social mask.  She did not at all need it, that was certain.  That being said, however, she looked fantastic with it on.  She wore it well indeed.

The city was always such a curious clash of human existence.  Rich business people full of self importance, wandering lost souls in their uniform non-conformist black, haughty trend setters and trend followers.  Dispossessed itinerants littered street corners and alleyways, begging for change from all and sundry.  Adolescent pretenders gathered in flocks like vermin, relishing in their cleverness at having not gone to school.  An unending sea of faces, always changing, yet always the same.  A belligerent demographic division, all jostling about their mundane lives.  And I waded through the morass, detached, but largely unnoticed.
I had spent the morning in a small café that overlooked the city centre.  Devouring cigarettes, drinking coffee and circling potential places to live in a newspaper with my blue felt tip pen.  After a few hours of calling numbers from the ‘flatmate wanted’ section, I had finally come across something that was to my liking.  It was a three bedroom townhouse, with friendly and fun sounding inhabitants, only a few suburbs south of the city.  Two girls, eighteen and twenty, wanted a male to share with.  They seemed reasonably down to earth, and after a short phone interview they sounded promising.  Being a hairdresser had its benefits every now and again, and they were delighted at the prospect of having one in the house.  I organised to pay them a visit and have a look around early Friday morning, before I started work.  Breathing a contented sigh of relief, I lit another cigarette and began browsing the day’s headlines.  I had known it.  Today was going to be a good day.
I was making my way through the indifferent crowds, shoulder to shoulder with people whom I most likely had little more in common with than that we were technically the same species.  Stairs appeared ahead, boring underground like some rat hole amidst so much concrete.  I began my descent down the flight, fluorescent bulbs flickering cold light against the sterile tiled surroundings.  The tunnel opened into a large atrium, with a handful of bus stops littered about underground.  Groups of people sat in seats, or stood about expectantly, avoiding eye contact with one another.  I took my place amongst them, and waited for one of the many busses to come and take me back to the house I would share with Anna for only a few more days.

I turned my key in the front door, a little hesitantly.  It was unlocked, so I surmised that Anna must be home.  I made my way through the living area to the kitchen, collecting a glass and filling it with water from the tap.  She must be upstairs, I mused.  It was quiet.  I walked back through to the living area and took my seat on one of the couches, unfurling my newspaper.  I was deep in concentration, reading about the latest in an impossibly long line of government scandals and cover ups, and I didn’t hear her at first.
Anna called my name again, louder this time.  I sighed and looked up from my reading, in the direction of the stairway.  “Yes?”  I called in response.
“Can you come up here?”  Her voice sounded unsteady.  I felt a knot in my stomach begin to form.
“What?” I inquired, a little uncertain.
“Can you please come up here?”  Again there was an unstable shake to her tone.  The knot tightened a little more.
I folded my newspaper slowly and deliberately.  I wasn’t certain that I wanted to go upstairs.  Placing the paper neatly folded on the couch, I took a deep breath and rose to my feet, and began to ascend the stairs.  With each step, the knot in my stomach gripped a little more.  I was beginning to feel ill.  Had she found out about Lauren?  Did it matter?  Things were over between Anna and I, and I had every right to move on.  Of course, my moving on so quickly would most likely feel like some kind of betrayal for Anna, but that wouldn’t matter in a few more days.  I would be moving on, and this life we lead would be finished, left behind for good.  With this in mind, I steeled myself.  Whatever hell I had brought upon myself would be finished in less than a week.  It stood to reason that the last week may well be the most difficult.  Life had a habit of working that way, I felt.
I reached the top of the stairs and turned right, into the room we had once shared.  Anna was sitting on the edge of the bed that was once our mutual comfort.  I tensed at the sight of it, and stood at the doorway, feeling a little unsteady, but prepared for the coming conflict.
“Yes, Anna? What is it?” I asked hoarsely.
She was silent for a while, and then her shoulders dropped as she let out a quiet sob.  She knew, of course she knew; I told myself that it would be all over soon.  “Anna..” My words trailed off, not wanting to be the first to bring it up.
She looked at me with eyes brimming with tears.  She looked desperate, forlorn.  Her mouth moved as if to form words, but none came.  We stood there, facing each other for several moments that seemed to drag into eternity, before her shaky voice took shape.  “I’m… pregnant.”

The light seemed almost within reach…
As the shadows covered my eyes, the quicksand began to trickle down my throat.

I choked.  The room began to spin around me, dizzying, sickening, swimming.  My lungs began to cry for oxygen, but no breath was coming.  My dry throat was rasping as I struggled for air.  I felt sick.  My spine felt the door frame behind it, and as my legs gave way beneath me, I slid helplessly down the frame until I hit the floor.  I sat there.. It was an eternity of silence and sickness.  Then all went numb.
Disoriented, I looked about and took in my immediate surrounds.  Floor.  Window.  Walls.  Bed.  Anna.
Anna…
It was as if I had died and my dispossessed soul was surveying the manner in which I had become so unexpectedly deceased.  And I remembered.  When I finally did speak, it was as if somebody else was speaking through me.  I felt nothing, not the floor on which I sat, nor the wall against which I leaned.  Not the hair against my face, or the words that fell through my lips.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.  I took two tests today.”
“Both positive?”  My words felt unowned, not mine.
“Yes.”  She sobbed as she spoke.
A long silence fell between us, and still I felt nothing through the detached numbness of it all.
“How long have you..” My words trailed off into suggestive nothingness.
“I have suspected it for the last week.. I didn’t want it to be true, I didn’t know what I would do.”  
“So..” I struggled to regain control of my mouth, my own words.  “What do we do?”  I knew the answer, even before the words had spilled from my lips.  Anna was against abortion, she always had been.  So had I, for that matter.  Here and now, though.. I was no longer sure what I believed.  My world was turning on its head, my throat felt full of sand and gravel.
Anna shook her head, tears rolling down her delicate cheeks.  It was a strange thing to notice at such a time, I thought.  How soft and delicate her features were.  My mind was still reeling, I surmised.  This must be shock.  I wondered whether this detachment was the same feeling experienced by those injured in a car crash, or those dying on a battlefield.
Anna choked on her tears still, and I found I had enough use of my limbs to stand and walk to her.  I sat beside her and wrapped her in my arms, although I was still too numb to feel anything other than the gaping hole where my emotion should be.
We lay on the bed we once shared, and I held her as she cried her sorrow, her futility, her anguish at everything that was about to change, the opportunities that were never to be open to her now.  Her tears soaked my shirt, which she held tightly to her.  She wept, and I stared at the ceiling, full of emptiness.
It may have been fifteen minutes.  It may have been several hours.  Time had slowed, ground to a shuddering halt in recognition of the situation we were now caught up in.  Anna finally spoke, hoarsely and hesitantly.  “I don’t want you to move.”
Lauren came to my mind.  Her smile, her laugh.  
“What?” I asked numbly.
“I don’t want you to move, Daniel.”
“You.. don’t want..”  I struggled for syllables.
Her glittering eyes, her scented auburn hair.
“I want you to stay and be a part of this.”  
Her skin, her lips.
I stared numbly at the ceiling.  “You want me to stay…”
“I do.”  Her words came slowly, almost painfully.  “It’s going to be your child as well; I want you to be a part of it.”
“So… between us…”  My throat was as dry as a thousand deserts.
Her curves, her touch.
It was a while before Anna replied.  When she did, it was thought out and clinically deliberate.  “I want us to be together, as a family.  It will take some work, but I believe in you.”  
I was incapable of piecing sounds together.  Anna spoke again.  “It’s not going to be easy, but we can do it.  I know we can.  We have to.”
I nodded mutely, unable to convince my mouth to function.  Anna curled up into me and shed her last tears for this day.  I considered what she had just said to me.  It was the right thing to do, the only thing to do.  To stay, to take responsibility, and to show everyone I was worth something after all.  To show myself I was worth something, most of all.
And all I could think of was Lauren.
Her kisses, her love.

Somebody wise had once said to me that character is comparable to gold, to precious stones, to diamonds.  It is something that can only be forged through intense heat and pressure.  After much deliberation, and life experience, this was something I felt to be the truest thing ever spoken by a human being.  If you compared the character of those rich brats who had never experienced anything more troubling than bad grades at school or university to the impoverished people around the world who had lost entire communities of friends and family through war or some freak natural disaster, who was the better person?  It didn’t even bear answering.
I considered my position, not for the first time that day.  I had been silent at work for most of the day, unapproachable, distant, aloof.  Words fell off me like water cascading down some great falls, smashing against the rocks, to be dispersed and continue it’s journey downstream.  I felt as if I was caught in some torrid stream, broken and displaced by all the rocks in my path.  And at the same time, I felt nothing, for I was numb.  Sienna was not at work today, and therefore I had no one, and no reason to speak my concerns.  When I checked my phone and found I had a message from Lauren, I was incapable of reply.  I had not yet gathered my thoughts enough to be able to speak to her, to tell her that everything we felt and had experienced over the past week was to mean nothing.
The trial that now lay ahead of me seemed insurmountable.  I did not know whether the choice I was making was the right choice.  It tore me up inside.  What was I doing? Was I honestly being strong, and facing up to my responsibilities?  Or was I really taking the fools path, self sacrifice for the sake of feeling as if I was being a man?  There was no answer to my fervent self questioning, only darkness and shadow.  Were there even words that could explain my position?  I thought long and hard, all day.  Not in this language, there wasn’t.

I had to meet her in person.  I had to tell her face to face.  She deserved at least that much.  God, she deserved so much more than that.  I was walking along the streets of the city, in the direction of Lauren’s building.  My legs were heavy, as if there were boulders attached to them, and I was dragging them the whole way.  Streetlights were cold, not a single comfort was offered by their revealing light.  The only thing they showed for me was the tumult that resided within my heart.  I wanted to turn, to run, to hide from myself.  To cower in shadow, and exist as nothing as long as I did not have to face my reality.  It was the longest walk of my shallow existence, it felt like being led to the gallows.
I pressed the button on the intercom that connected to Lauren’s apartment.  “It’s me,” I stated simply.  The doors unlocked, and I slowly made my way across the atrium to the cold, steel doors of the lift.  They opened slowly, deliberately, inviting me to my demise.  I half expected to see Charon, the ferryman of the dead, waiting on the other side.
Lauren opened her apartment door.  It was the first stirring of emotion that I had experienced in nearly two days.  The numbness that had encroached on every fibre of my being was pierced by her worried gaze.  She waved me in, and I took up a seat on her bed.  “Is everything alright, babe?” she asked.
I was quiet for a time, before I replied.  “No,” I said simply.
She sat next to me on the bed, wrapping a consolatory arm about me and turning my eyes to meet hers.  Her skin was unmatchable in its softness.  “What is the matter?”
Tears began to fall as I revealed the depths of my sorrow.  Tears on both sides.  She wept and she cried, inconsolably.  I, the one in whom she had found new happiness and hope, was delivering the most cruel and unimaginably brutal wounds to her delicate soul.  My own tears fell from my face, salty and warm, staining my clothes and her bed.  I was rending my own heart into pieces, but none of that mattered any more.  All that mattered was my betrayal.  My abandonment.  Her pain.  I felt it as sharply as a dagger turning in my flesh.  The most wonderful thing I had found in my meaningless life, and it was being torn away from me.  By none other than that of my own making.  

It was dark.  So dark.  The streetlights had stopped working, as if they were mourning my passage.  I had given my final goodbyes to her, and my soul was now in pieces.  Nothing could mend the wounds I now carried.
She had pressed her face against mine, desperately.  I could taste the salt of her tears.  The tears I had caused.  The wounds I had inflicted.  The poison I had given.  She had kissed me, achingly, lingeringly.  I had kissed her back, passionately.  
“You have to go,” she had said.
“I know.”  It was a pained reply, but there was absolute truth in what she said.
I didn’t want to leave.  I had never wanted to leave.  All I had ever wanted was to stay, forever, until the sun burned out.  
“We can’t see each other again.”  It was a matter of fact statement, cried through her warm tears.  And I knew it was true.
She watched me go from her doorway, all the way to the lift in the hall.  As the cold steel jaws of the lift closed to take me away forever, I heard her say goodbye.  I heard her whisper she loved me.
And then all was gone.

The streetlights glowed in the distance.  As I walked, I was alone.  I thought only of one thing.

Her kisses, her love.